My fear to write this was probably connected to a reluctance to be this vulnerable, because I was afraid that leaving myself exposed would draw a negative picture of me to others. However, I am indeed learning that transparency; to a degree, can be rather therapeutic, while not every piece of your life is for public consumption, there are some chapters that could very well help someone who is at the very end of their tether or just simply needs to hear they are not alone.
I have always imagined that when most people hear the word suicide, it automatically leaves somewhat of a dark feeling in the back of their mind. Suicide in its most basic form is an individual who has come to the end of themselves, and concludes that the only real option they have is to take their own life, because to them, that is a better outcome than continuing to live with the pain they struggle so much to bear with.
Battling thoughts of suicide is a very heavy cross to carry, it warps your entire mental process and causes you to rationalise taking your own life as the most probable cause of action. The decision can be based solely on the individual and their current state of mind or it can be connected to past or present hurt caused by an external body. These feelings aren’t exclusive to a colour or gender, they affect the weakness and “strongest” amongst us.
It doesn’t just go away with motivational speeches, it won’t disappear because you have money or a comfortable life and it can’t just be prayed away, it’s a very real and tortuous emotion that takes every ounce of strength to fight against.
But what does suicide look like from a more personal point of view?
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
Suicide for me personally has never been an easy way out, that is a common misconception, the idea that taking your own life is the coward’s option is false, given that if you were to ask most people including myself, suicide would be described as one of the most difficult things you could ever do because when you’re aware that there are people who love and care for you, just contemplating such a thing eats away at you on the inside. It takes your entire being, you dwell on the action and you spend endless amounts of time rationalising one of the most dangerous things you could ever go through with.
Nearly every single day I wake up wishing I didn’t and every time I lay my head to rest, in the back of my mind I’m hoping it will be my last moment on this planet. I see no brighter days, I feel no hope on the horizon, only an expected end. I don’t earnestly believe it’s going to get better and I don’t find relief in the fact that “it won’t last forever”. I simply don’t want to be around to see if things will ever change, if I’ll ever feel again, if I’ll ever see beyond this deep feeling of sadness.
Have you ever woken up regretting the very breathe you took, not because you’re ungrateful but because you feel unworthy to even be alive? You come to the stark realisation that this internal sadness is affecting life itself, the decisions you make and how much you cherish your own presence on this earth. The saddest thing is I have a beautiful family, two wonderful kids and friends that I’m honoured to have in my life, sadly that doesn’t make the feelings go away.
If I can be honest, I have these moments when I have my son in my arms and I’m brought to tears because I know he needs me and I need him but still I struggle to want to remain here, it saddens me even more because I would never want my son or my daughter to think they are not enough, but this internal struggle is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and will continue to be.
This emotion seems to explain my disconnection to a lot of things in my life, whether it be relationships, achievements and even accolades, mentally I’m not present with such things because I don’t really want to be around to feel the dissatisfaction that these things won’t fill this empty space. It’s not that I’m not grateful or despise those things, I simply don’t have the mental strength, because right now in this very moment, my desire is to not be here.
Is there a resolution? I sure do hope so, therapy has saved me from taking my own life, but the struggle doesn’t stop there, this is a daily fight, every morning and every night; and deep down as much as I know i have to fight and I certainly will, I do wonder how long I’ll be able to keep fighting this feeling until I give in.
Here’s hoping that one day I’ll be able to navigate away from such feelings, permanently.
Words by, Daniel (db Captures)